Hello all!

Today was a successful Monday. Success including making to all my classes, eating good food, and looking presentable. I've been working on this Lazy Man Iron Man and spent two hours at the Richards Building. I biked 6 miles while reading this book and watched this on the elliptical. Then it was my first pool time! I had to get a BYU approved swimming suit (ended up with this one, it fits my extra long torso perfectly!). I absolutely loved swimming. I could do it everyday, and I probably will! I was feeling stressed and overwhelmed about my essay due and my trig test coming up, and afterwards my head was clearer and more optimistic. It's nice to know I have this new outlet!

So this weekend was a keeper! Friday morning I went to see C Jane (happy birthday!) speak at the women's conference. While resting between laps tonight, a thought occurred to me. Why should I spend anymore time hating things about my body? I challenged myself to stop it. Who told me that I should hate my extra fat, or my acne, or my fair skin? I've wasted so much precious time believing I was not worth loving, because I perceived something was wrong. If I only could shed that Freshman 15, cure my pimp(le)s, and did my makeup just right, I would be content. C Jane's words at the conference inspired me. She said to the extent, love your body the way it is currently. Our bodies are just what we need right now. I'm too tired to paraphrase it completely, but I've been motivated to love myself more, and stop the hatin'.

 (Greatest picture of your life, I know.)

On Saturday, I headed up to Salt Lake with Baylee and Jeni. We hit up the Vintage Whites Market at the fairgrounds. I purchased two adorable vintage dresses for $35, curtains for $8, and gluten free cookie bar, and a ring from Ruche. 

Afterwards we went to the Happy Sumo at the Gateway for sushi. Wow man, get the Mango Mama rolls! We came out of Urban Outfitters empty handed, but then we ventured on to Decades. Jeni bought the cutest l'il hat!

 We stopped by Trader Joe's (chocolate covered potato chips...) and then we spent the night at Baylee's house. We played pool, watched The First Wives Club for some reason, ate nachos, drank pop, hot tubbed, watched SNL, cursed daylight savings, and ate a delicious breakfast before we headed back to Provo for church. Sunday night I hung out with Maddie and did my laundry, (also ate Mini Eggs).

Sunday also happened to be this little punkin's birthday! I love you Bentley Bee!

I love you all!
Megan

But there are dreams that cannot be

   Lately, I've really been struggling within myself. The major here at BYU that I have always dreamed of is called Music Dance Theater. The thing about this major is every year, they only let 16 out of 150 who applied into the program. Freshman here applied for the program before they even applied for BYU. It's very rare to be admitted the first time you apply. I didn't apply last year because I needed more dance experience first. Now that I'm here, I enrolled in contemporary dance, tap dance, voice lessons, and intro to theater. I went to my first voice lesson on Monday and afterwards, I was so overwhelmed and confused. She said I needed to practice an hour a day in order to be on track with my goals (to apply and have a chance to get into MDT). I went to my contemporary class right after and the whole time I was debating with myself. Can I do this? I was freaked out. 

  What do you do when you are freaked out? Call your mom. So I did as soon as I could. We discussed it, and at the conclusion of that conversation I decided not to apply and to drop my contemporary class (which was actually the more advanced level of the style and not the beginning level). Ever since I've been going back and forth. The main reason I'm not applying is my voice teacher said the most important thing the judges look for is acting, and they already assume you can dance. I do not have enough dance experience so I know I wouldn't get a call-back. It's a difficult decision to make because I know I can't apply next year because I would be applying for my junior year, and they want students that can complete the program in four years total (I would be in school for 6 years, etc). 

  So, why is this so difficult? I feel like I'll have no chance to excel in this area in my life without this major.  I say I love musical theater, but do I really love it? Am I any good at all? I can hardly handle the stress of trying to audition so therefore I probably couldn't handle the actual program. What should I do with myself? And on a more spiritual side, what does Heavenly Father want me to do with my life? 

  In my theater 101 class today we had a discussion with three directors here at BYU. One is the head of the MDT program and he was saying that they are most likely going to be able to do Les Miserables in the future. Everyone was so excited, but I was more depressed than anything. If only I could be a part of that production, which is  one of my dreams, but that doesn't look like a possibility. I know I picked a university that is extremely competitive in all areas, and it's hard to handle. 

  I hate the notion of giving up. By not auditioning, there is a 100% chance of me not being accepted. But without a strong dance background, it's not possible. Plus I really haven't had an extremely strong acting background. I've been involved with lots of productions and classes, but I haven't done a lot of strong solo dramatic work. So the same question arises, what can I do with my life?

  I have a few other dreams besides performing. I'd absolutely love working in the product development at American Girl, and I'd love working for ModCloth. I dream of living in San Francisco and New York City, as well as Southern California. Having a successful blog is also on the list, as well as writing and performing my own songs. But the idea of never being successful in musical theater is really hard, since I've dreamt of it for a long time. I know I'm only 18 and I have my whole life ahead of me, but it's hard not to feel like a complete failure for deciding not to audition. So alas, the title of this post is dramatic, but that is expected. Thank you for reading this far. Until next time,

Love,

Megan M.

art class: take one

I was an avid visual artist in junior high. I was set up for success when I applied for a spot in a visual arts program at a different high school. I ended up picking the drama program and then ended up switching to my current high school. With the configuration of my class schedule, I never took an art class until this last semester of high school. It's the grade 10/sophomore class, but I find myself learning just as expected! I've learned some humility because some of those kids are crazy talented. 

I've been fighting a small battle inside since the beginning of the year about whether or not to take my last year of drama, Drama 30-P. I took 20P last year, and have taken a drama class every year since grade 7. The reasons why I thought of not taking the class is because the 20/30 class was combined last year, so I saw firsthand how much dedication is required. I know I have the dedication skills, but since I decided not to take the class, I have way more flexibility. You cannot miss a drama class or else. Now I can extend my spring break by a day (I'm leaving for Arizona with my best friends on Sunday!!) and miss school for my upcoming choir trip to San Francisco, etc. 

But I've continued this inner battle because I hate missing out on what I could be doing. I see my friends going to class and I miss it! But I felt that I would be taking the class in part to please other people, and I'm trying to work on getting over that.  It's my last semester of high school and living in Canada in general (surreal!)and I want to enjoy it and not be stressed out of my brains all day yet. I want to be able to hang out with my friends before we part in the fall. Plus I've overcome the feeling of daily insistent stress when I finished math, so I'd rather not go back to that. So that is why I am taking Art 10. Though most days I'd rather not be in class, I'm happy that I'm doing this and will have some artwork to show for it, starting with my latest (being since junior high) painting I just completed!

Ta-da!

Being overly prone to perfectionism, I wasn't completely happy with it but I'm happy enough! I just so happened to pick one of the hardest things to draw, a car, but it's my dream car (1957 Chevy Bel-Aire) and therefore worth it. Currently I'm working on a drawn self-portrait, and I'll show you all after I've overcome the urge to avoid class and finish it!


Love,
Megan Marie

when you become a woman...

18 years of age.

That's some weirdo weird information.

Here am I this morning before I left for school, still but a wee child.

 I got serenaded by my first period class twice (thanks peeps) and was in the back of my math class at 11:59 am with Carlee, Amy, and Ashley the moment I turned 18. And again in seminary, and from Junior Jazz (which sounded amazing) and the best from my nieces and nephew and brother, and Matt and Kate. Then I enjoyed my ridulously delicious lunch of leftover Cafe Rio salad and chocolate cake. (don't judge, I also had a cafe rio salad sandwich for dinner.) 

My love and other half Meghan baked me freakin' delicious gluten-free chocolate cake. Seriously, I die.

 My friend Ella is putting up hundreds of haiku's around the school for her school art project- here's the little lovely I wrote.

 Such a gorgeous fall day! Thank you nature.

 My first photo as an 18 year old, don't I look so much older and full of responsibility?

 My incredibly adorable home teachers, the Yamada's- who are 70 year old grandparents who wore matching red coats- dropped by a balloon, card, and huge box of chocolates. They are seriously the cutest.

 And here are the presents I opened up from my parents tonight- a robe and tea kettle! Both of which I wanted, but they couldn't have given me a more old-maidish present. What happened to my American Girl doll stash I got every year? My childhood... I mourn thee...

Goals for my 18 year old self- (a starter list)
-Be more assertive
-Don't be afraid of confrontation
okay, I'll finish this later.


BEST THING TODAY- THE BYU APPLICATION CAME OUT. HOORAY FOR THE FUTURE!


Love,
a much older,
Megan Marie

reflect and remember- 10 years later

   I've been watching a lot of the T.V. specials about 9-11. I'm not sure why I've watched them- they break my heart. I suppose I just want to remember. I want to honor the memories of those who died, who didn't have to die. My heart breaks for families and co-workers and friends who lost someone they loved.

  I picked up this issue of People yesterday, and it really touched me. One little girl talks about her daddy who died before she was born. She sleeps with one of his bike jerseys every night. She used to keep her ultrasound picture in her room because she knew that was a picture he had seen of her. 

   I don't know why things like this have to happen. I know after that day, we were united as a country. I hope and pray that situations in our country can improve. I really only have experienced living in a country at war. Every day something even worse happens in the news. All I know is that I have faith in a God who is mindful of us, even through the hard times.

God bless America. 

I have strong memories of hearing this song frequently after 9-11 and I always feel proud of our country when I hear it.

I'll remember. 

9/11/01

weekend- with a singing sidenote

   This weekend was spent between

driving with the heat on full blast and with the air conditioning on full blast in the space of 24 hours.We had a cold spurt for a few days and people, I'm not looking forward to the winter.But I am looking forward to the beautiful weather that's happening this week!

   I've been practicing for the school musical audition on Tuesday. I went to my singing teacher's house and she helped me by boosting my confidence. She started teaching me when I was in the 8th grade, and boy I've come a long way since. I used to be so full of anxiety I could hardly sing. I would get so stressed. Now I've grown older and my anxiety has decreased and I gained a lot of experience by singing in choirs four times a week last year (a pattern that will repeat itself this year). 

   I remember when I decided to start taking singing lessons. I was in 7th grade and realized that if I wanted to do musical theater, then hunny I better be able to sing. I signed up at the music store near my home and waited in anxiety for Saturday at 2:00 to come around. The day came and I met my teacher Megan and started a warm-up. This was the very first time that I had sung alone in front of a person and it was terrifying. A few months passed and I got a new teacher named Trish. She was a folk singer and put me at ease a bit and I opened up more. One day Kristen came to substitute, and I loved her personality and style of teaching so she become my teacher. I took lessons every week in 8th and 9th grade. But truthfully, I would never practice during the week because I was too afraid to sing in front of my family! I still am, I really only practice when I'm home alone. It's something I need to work on. I'm just scared of criticism, that's what makes it hard to sing in front of people. 

   Anyways, I'm thrilled that my voice is growing stronger and clearer all the time. My range is growing as well. I keep working through the anxiety and building confidence.

   Back to the weekend, I spent it babysitting one of my favorite families that I haven't babysat in a long time. I was so excited to see them! I've been babysitting them since I was 13. It's crazy how time flies. On Saturday night I drove Carlee and I to a get together at a friend's house who lives just outside the city. It was so beautiful! We played games, had a campfire, roasted marshmellows and watched a movie. 

   After church yesterday and an afternoon spent watching the classic movie The Single's Ward, my dad and I met up with Melissa and Annaleen and Randy down by the river. The Bow is the Canadian version of the beach. Notice our glowing fair skin.

  There's no school today and I'm planning on hanging with my homegirl and watching Waiting for Guffman. 

Happy labo(u)rs!

Love, 

Megan Marie

heirloom

This is one of my most prized possessions, my grandmother's dollhouse. While I was in Utah for her funeral, I was able to pack it up into our car and bring it home. I am unbelievably grateful to have it. I remember playing with the house in their basement, well, not really playing, just looking. 

This house is painted my favorite color combination- blue and red, and is in my favorite style. I finally was able to place it on my desk and set up the furniture. I really wish that I had taken pictures of the inside before I boxed everything up back in Utah. I wanted to set it up like grandma had it set up. 

I'm missing my Grandma. I was on Goodreads tonight and looked up my Grandma's account. She's done a bunch of reviews of her favorite and not so favorite books. I'm copying and pasting everything she wrote onto Word so I can keep it forever! My Grandma loved books so much, and has passed this love to her whole family. 

Marilyn Murphy Allen

My dear grandma passed away this morning. Her condition had been declining rapidly over the past few weeks. I heard about her condition first from my bcf Maddie last Thursday. She said that she had never seen Grandma so sick. I forgot to send grandma a birthday card, (she turned 87 on May 27th) so right after I got off the phone I wrote her a letter. I used my very last Kit Kittridge stationary that I have had since I was 10, and hoped that my letter would get there in time.

 {The front and back of the envelope bring tears to my eyes because I feel like it's my Grandma coming home to her father, just like Kit did in the book that the illustration is from.}

 She didn't get my letter in time, but I know she knows how much I love and adore her and will miss her laugh and love of life.

I need to search for more pictures of grandma and me, but this is a picture of the afghan she crocheted for me, her second to last granddaughter, (out of like 35).


I love you so much grandma and I know that I will see you again and that you are without pain now.
I'm excited to see my family soon, we are heading down to Utah for the funeral. I am going to stick around and have my Utah summer holiday so the blog might be quiet for a while. 


Thanks for all the support!


Here's a link to the song I recorded tonight, in memory of my Grandma Allen.

Life moves pretty fast:

If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. -Ferris Bueller

Life lately has been moving pretty fast. So fast, that in three weeks I will be finished with my junior year in high school. Here is what I have been up to lately:

Wednesday, May 18th

We saw a show called Reverie and the Pumphouse Theatre for drama.

We recorded Beyond the Sea and Alright, Okay, You Win in  junior jazz choir.

Thursday, May 19th


I spent the afternoon with two friends and enjoyed this:

A canadian delicacy- Poutine

Canadian high schools operate differently at the end of the year. The last day of school is the end of the second week of June, but the graduation banquet-dance-after party happens at the end of May. The graduation ceremony is also at the end of May (ours is tomorrow) but you are not completely finished with school until you finish your individual exams (which could go until the very end of June). The whole shindig is very different from how it works in the states, therefore it takes some getting used to. But the whole thing is still a grand time; Canadians know how to party. 


Victoria and I went and got Carlee all spruced up for her date for grad. We had been waiting for this day for months! The boys started asking out their dates back in March. 

you so beautiful girl!

us being silly and cute

They dedicated this photo to me. 

Friday, May 20th 

Thursday night my mom mentioned how she was sorry that I couldn't go to grad. I was alright until that point, I didn't really think about it and I was happy for Carlee. But the more I thought about it, the more I got upset. I stayed in a sad funk for another day or so. I was upset mostly because there is only one big dress-up dance (with dates and corsages) a year. All my friends back in Utah, and my siblings, have gone to several formal dances. My siblings may say that they don't matter that much to them now, but they matter to me! I also was really sad about all my friends that are graduating this year, and how I wanted to spend that weekend with them.

Friday night I finally took a bike ride. I rode around the pond a few times at dusk. I was crying, (surprisingly I do not cry that often) I was upset. I took one lap (approx. 1.68 miles) on the hardest gear and rode as fast I could.   

this is me sad.

All wallowing aside, I ended up having a great rest of the weekend.


Saturday, May 21th


I noticed some actual, blooming flowers outside my church building and had to hipstan-act! (use hipstamatic).

My mom, sister, and I braved the busy mall and had a fun afternoon together!

delicioso salad at Joey Tomato's

I ended up with a new skirt (EFY approved), two shirts and a purse from Old Navy, and a giftcard for Victoria from the brand-new Victoria's Secret! 


Of course, I had to do a *little* studying. My first ever ACT is on June 11th.

studied out on ma porch!

That night, Victoria and I went up to a friend's house for a movie night. We watched She's the Man, and played guitar. We drove home late and had a little sleepover.


Sunday, May 22nd


We made breakfast (crepes) and made it to church for young women's. That night her lovely family came over for her birthday dinner. Her mama made a delicious feast and her sister made a also very delicious cake. I loved meeting her new niece and spending time with her family!


Artsy photographo's- 

My pookie is 17!

me and the babe and our matching stripes.

Monday, May 23rd- Victoria Day- really- Victoria's 17th birthday!


We slept in- made some more breakie- and her mom gave me a trim. Her mom is the bomb. My hair loves her, because it cooperates!

I LOVE YOU HONEYBUNCH! 

The rest of the week so far involved rain (and lots of it-it is still pouring) choir rehearsals, guitar playing (calluses are forming) our yw camp skit rehearsal, jazz solo rehearsals, math, english, and drama scenes. Tomorrow is another day off, but I will be waking up early for the grad ceremony! Choir is singing some songs, which I love, but the graduating class is large so I have some books to read in the meantime!


Also, I cannot forget the current events of the week- TV that is!

Bye Oprah! I have never experienced life without you being on the air after school, so we will see how my life goes after this! I WILL miss you.

Olivia Ward wins The Biggest Loser!

Scotty McCreery wins American Idol Season 10!

I love this show more than.... nothing

As Glozell would say, over and out!

Love, Megan Marie