Lately, I've really been struggling within myself. The major here at BYU that I have always dreamed of is called Music Dance Theater. The thing about this major is every year, they only let 16 out of 150 who applied into the program. Freshman here applied for the program before they even applied for BYU. It's very rare to be admitted the first time you apply. I didn't apply last year because I needed more dance experience first. Now that I'm here, I enrolled in contemporary dance, tap dance, voice lessons, and intro to theater. I went to my first voice lesson on Monday and afterwards, I was so overwhelmed and confused. She said I needed to practice an hour a day in order to be on track with my goals (to apply and have a chance to get into MDT). I went to my contemporary class right after and the whole time I was debating with myself. Can I do this? I was freaked out.
What do you do when you are freaked out? Call your mom. So I did as soon as I could. We discussed it, and at the conclusion of that conversation I decided not to apply and to drop my contemporary class (which was actually the more advanced level of the style and not the beginning level). Ever since I've been going back and forth. The main reason I'm not applying is my voice teacher said the most important thing the judges look for is acting, and they already assume you can dance. I do not have enough dance experience so I know I wouldn't get a call-back. It's a difficult decision to make because I know I can't apply next year because I would be applying for my junior year, and they want students that can complete the program in four years total (I would be in school for 6 years, etc).
So, why is this so difficult? I feel like I'll have no chance to excel in this area in my life without this major. I say I love musical theater, but do I really love it? Am I any good at all? I can hardly handle the stress of trying to audition so therefore I probably couldn't handle the actual program. What should I do with myself? And on a more spiritual side, what does Heavenly Father want me to do with my life?
In my theater 101 class today we had a discussion with three directors here at BYU. One is the head of the MDT program and he was saying that they are most likely going to be able to do Les Miserables in the future. Everyone was so excited, but I was more depressed than anything. If only I could be a part of that production, which is one of my dreams, but that doesn't look like a possibility. I know I picked a university that is extremely competitive in all areas, and it's hard to handle.
I hate the notion of giving up. By not auditioning, there is a 100% chance of me not being accepted. But without a strong dance background, it's not possible. Plus I really haven't had an extremely strong acting background. I've been involved with lots of productions and classes, but I haven't done a lot of strong solo dramatic work. So the same question arises, what can I do with my life?
I have a few other dreams besides performing. I'd absolutely love working in the product development at American Girl, and I'd love working for ModCloth. I dream of living in San Francisco and New York City, as well as Southern California. Having a successful blog is also on the list, as well as writing and performing my own songs. But the idea of never being successful in musical theater is really hard, since I've dreamt of it for a long time. I know I'm only 18 and I have my whole life ahead of me, but it's hard not to feel like a complete failure for deciding not to audition. So alas, the title of this post is dramatic, but that is expected. Thank you for reading this far. Until next time,
Love,
Megan M.
